Sunday, October 05, 2008

Unexpected Darkness

I've been off line for the past couple weeks. If you read my last entry, you know that I experienced a pretty disruptive burglary in my home (along with the theft of my car).

It has been a whirlwind of activity, emotion and self reflection and evaluation. I've learned a lot about myself during this time.

I believe I have a pretty healthy attitude towards my material possessions. I don't feel that I am overly attached to the items I own. I try to have a sense of 'stewardship' over those items, rather than a clinging, grasping possessiveness.

I'm also not terribly afraid of death. My spiritual and philosophical beliefs give me a perspective that doesn't cause me to cling tightly to physical existence.

With those aspects of my personality and belief system, I was deeply surprised (and a little disappointed) with my reaction to this experience. The depth of the emotional 'jolt' that this experience put me through caught me off guard.

It's true that I've had a tremendous flurry of activity brought on by what happened. I had to have the locks of my house changed, and on my car (since the burglars had keys to both in their possession). I've had to deal with the damage they did to my car, set up repair of the broken down door, and beef up my security system and security procedures. Not to mention trying to figure out all that the burglars took and catalog it for the insurance company. IT has been consuming and exhausting.

I was extremely emotional during the first week after the event. I would get teary eyed at the slightest provocation. I also was really afraid to be at home alone, sleep in my normal room, or come home to an empty house. None of which was true prior to the event. I also felt extremely protective of my things. In a way I've never been before.

I found it so strange that I had these reactions. It didn't completely jive with my perspective on life or material possessions. It was almost like a primitive, primal reaction to 'attack.' It's all been very tiring and I've felt somewhat depressed. It has been difficult for me to function in my normal life activities. I've felt a lack of motivation. It has even been hard for me to talk with friends at times. I've gotten a little weary of 'telling the story.'

I realize that I have extremely high expectations for myself - and I have been rather harsh with my assessment of how I've handled this. I feel like I should have been able to roll with it a bit more and not be so derailed by it. The truth is, however, that I really have had to go through a process to start recovering. I've had to sleep a lot, give myself a lot of time alone, and just do what was in front of me to do. Although it is frustrating to me, it was what it was.

I'm starting to emerge from the fog now. I'm still feeling a bit of a psychic shock, but it gets better every day. Hopefully I will soon be fully back to myself!

I have been able to 'work through' some of the issues about my 'stuff' and I'm starting to feel more safe and secure. All good. It just takes a little time.

Today I heard a preacher say that even Jesus fell down while he was carrying his cross. We aren't expected to be strong all the time and to do everything perfectly. We will all fall down from time to time. The important thing is that we get back up.

I'm in the process of getting back on my feet! Thanks for your patience.

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